AA
Certified Care Manager, Aging Life Care Professional, and National Master Guardian Emeritus
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The chances are good that you know someone whose parent has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s or dementia. It is estimated that over 6.2 million Americans over 65 are living with dementia. To clarify, Alzheimer’s is the most common form of dementia, and there are several types of diseases where dementia symptoms are prevalent. These include vascular, Lewy body, frontotemporal and mixed dementia.
Each type of dementia is different in its presentation and progression, but sadly there are no cures for Alzheimer’s or dementia, only medications to treat symptoms. So, families face a progressive and fatal disease that arguably produces one of the most stressful, time-consuming, and heartbreaking caregiver situations anyone can have.
What to say to someone whose parent has Alzheimer’s or dementia can seem complicated since you don’t want to say the wrong thing. We will help you communicate and offer meaningful, authentic, and sincerely helpful gestures because that is what someone dealing with this devastating disease needs.
Try to become informed before deciding what to say to someone whose parent is diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s. By understanding the symptoms and trajectory of dementia symptoms, your actions and communication will be authentic. You have to dive into the experience and educate yourself to be truly helpful.
Vague offers of help aren’t usually productive in that your friend may not be inclined to accept your offer. Be as specific as you can. For example, say, “I have some free time today and wanted to know if I could sit with your parent while you take a break.” Or, “I am bringing you dinner tonight and can leave it on the doorstep if you aren’t available.”
Most people who have a parent with Alzheimer’s or dementia don’t want to inconvenience others, so think of tasks that are likely to be accepted and appreciated.
Caregivers need encouragement. Even though you may not be a caregiver yourself, acknowledging the hard work and time commitment of caregiving will show your interest and support.
It's valuable for caregivers and family members of someone with Alzheimer's need to talk to someone. Inviting a deeper conversation about grief, stress, and fears can be a relief. This conversation will also give you information about the areas you can help with in the future.
Saying you care about someone and are available is good; make sure you mean it. When you say you are there for someone, they can count on you, which is supportive and reassuring. If the person does reach out to you for help, be prepared to honor their request.
As well-meaning as you might be, there are things not to say when someone’s parent is diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer’s. If you regret saying something, say so and apologize. Everyone makes mistakes when trying to say supportive and helpful things to someone coping with a parent with Alzheimer’s or dementia.
Most people state they would prefer to age at home. This suggestion may seem like a reasonable option, and for many families, it is, but for others, they would rather have a parent at home for as long as possible. And memory care and nursing homes are expensive, and cost could be a factor. Caring for someone with Alzheimer’s and dementia at home can be arduous and stressful, but judging that decision is not your place.
Alzheimer’s and dementia indeed affect older adults, but that doesn’t mean that the devastation of seeing a loved one suffer isn’t valid. People with dementia sometimes get to a point where they don’t recognize family members or become paranoid and suspicious of the people closest to them. These behaviors are extremely challenging to deal with emotionally, regardless of how long someone has lived. Loss and grief occur when a person no longer seems like themselves or loses memory and communication ability.
Don’t speak too soon! You never know when a loved one may be diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia, and your help will be needed. Your friend likely has responsibilities, but if your parent were suffering, you would do the right thing and come to their assistance in whatever way you can. Families juggle careers, relationships, and caregiving all of the time.
Even if this is true, don’t say it! The stress of coping with a parent with dementia can take a physical and emotional toll. A better alternative is to offer to fill in while your friend gets some rest, pay for a massage, or offer a relaxing activity.
Remember, this isn’t about you. When someone is dealing with a parent with Alzheimer’s or dementia, they are swamped. Your contact is probably very much appreciated, but it gets forgotten in the stress of dealing with a parent. Try not to take a lack of response personally.
Supporting someone whose parent has dementia or Alzheimer’s is not that difficult if you are committed to consistent efforts. You can individualize your support based on the person you are close to, your needs, and your wants.
Listening is the first step in building rapport and offering valuable support. By listening, you will pick up clues about how the person is coping, what they need, and their emotional state. If necessary, make notes about what you hear.
For example, your friend may say, “I can’t seem to keep up with all of the chores that need doing for my parent. The laundry is piling up, and I can’t keep the house clean.” Hearing this, you can offer to step in and assist with these chores.
Your life is busy. Time will fly by, and before you know it, you haven’t taken the opportunity to check in with your friend. Set up your phone calendar to send an alert to make contact. Since Alzheimer’s and dementia are progressive, you may be surprised at how much things have deteriorated since your last contact. Make sure you check in frequently by phone to see if there is anything you can do.
Isolation is a natural consequence of dealing with a sick parent or one who has Alzheimer’s or dementia. There is a fine line between applying pressure and helping someone feel included. If possible, arrange social gatherings to accommodate someone’s care schedule or other obligations. Offer to take your friend out for a fun event or something simple like lunch or coffee and make arrangements for respite care while you are both gone.
Without seeming like you are intruding, investigate and offer resources. Dementia blogs , support groups, respite care, and educational websites about Alzheimer’s and dementia are a good start. Ask if there are any local resources you can assist with finding. Often families who have a parent with Alzheimer’s or dementia can use respite or in-home care services. You can help with finding those support services.
One of the most valuable ways you can help is to offer to give someone a break by being with a parent who has dementia. To ensure safety, ask what to be aware of, appropriate activities, and any meals that need preparation.
Caring for someone with dementia is not as simple as just being with them. Acquaint yourself with their behaviors and personality. Even if you have known the person for a long time, they may be very different now. Giving someone this type of respite is priceless.
Another way to support someone with a parent who has Alzheimer’s or dementia is with a gift for the parent. The best way to handle this is to give the gift yourself if you can. Spending time with someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia can be uncomfortable. But over time, you will gain confidence, and your time will be appreciated, especially if you offer to provide some respite.
Any kind of social connection with someone who has dementia is beneficial.
Talk with the person you know about how to help them with self-care. Perhaps they haven’t adhered to their usual exercise program or haven’t eaten a healthy diet. The two of you can plan to get healthier together as a team. Make suggestions to do some pampering or watch a movie together.
By sharing activities, you accomplish two valuable things: you help them get healthier and provide a social connection.
Our tips will help guide you in what to say to someone whose parent has Alzheimer’s or dementia, but each person is different. You can tailor your communication to the personality of the person you are speaking with. Remember, empathy and compassion are the foundation of support.
